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You shi, I shi, we all shi for sushi
by Dave Weinbaum
Eat raw fish? Are you out of your mind? Do you have a death wish? Have you no
respect for your stomach? Go look at that ocean. Does that look clean to you?
Fifteen years ago this would have been my response to an invitation to a Sushi
joint.
A lot has changed.
Not only do I like raw smoked salmon on top of a sticky rice roll wrapped by a
strip of seaweed, dipped in soy sauce with a nip of nostril clearing, tear inducing
wasabi, but so does the rest of my family.
And I haven't gotten sick from it…yet.
Okay, there was that time after partaking in a Manhattan sushi eatery, when it
took 24 hours and every calming thought I had to keep that rascally sea urchin
roll down.
Other than that, the thought of savoring raw fish has induced hardly any nausea.
Once I couldn't say the word "eel" without feeling squeamish. Now I salivate
over the possibility of eating the fresh water variety of that snaky slimy fish in its
tantalizing "roll" form with its peculiarly enticing brown sauce.
And those little green steaming soy beans you suck out from pods. With a cup of
sake, martini, or green tea for the no karaoke, no fun crowd, they're to die for.
Want Atmosphere? Get one of those little curtained rooms with the foot high
table and the floor cut out for your feet.
Or walk straight up to the bar, where you can kibbitz the chefs and keep a
watchful eye on them while they cut your fresh octopi and raw squid.
It's like Tokyo Cheers! They greet you like a long lost relative.
It's not that everyone knows your name. You couldn't understand them if they
spoke it. It's the bowing and kindness in their utterances. Of course they could
be cursing up a storm while maintaining that schtooping posture and smiling
face, but I don't think so.
So go ahead and try it. What do you have to lose besides your health and life?
If steak isn't on the menu, you have a legitimate beef
As a service to those that are considering the big leap to raw fish, below are a
few pointers to make your experience safe and enjoyable.
• Never buy sushi on EBay.
• Never eat sushi made by a chef who practices Sheryl Crowe's "one square of
toilet paper per bathroom visit" solution to saving trees.
• If there are no Orientals in a busy sushi restaurant, run, don't walk to the
nearest exit. If you happen to set off an alarm, so be it. Maybe you'll wake up a
few others before it's too late.
• Never eat sushi with a Russian, especially one with a glow about him.
And, while one shouldn't judge a book by it's' cover, these sushi restaurant
names should put up some red flags.
• The Itchy Crab.
• Lice Landic Cod Rolls.
• Harry's Antique Shop and Sushi Bar.
• The Chum House.
• Mudfish Madness.
After all that, if you're still game for uncooked fish, here's a sure way to
ingratiate yourself to sushi restaurant chefs and owners:
Act like you're a stupid tourist, which, if you're like me, will be a cinch. Then
politely ask the sushi restaurant personnel to explain how they make a spider
roll. After letting them go a few sentences, stop them and tell them they don't
know what they're talking about. Then explain that YOU know how.
Taking note of their stunned looks, say this, "I'll tell you how to make a spider
roll. Cut of its' legs and blow."
I guarantee they'll laugh.
If not, go eat a steak….
…cooked.
Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many
regional and national publications and Web sites, including the Reader's Digest,
National Enquirer, Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at dwquote@prodigy.net.
Eat raw fish? Are you out of your mind? Do you have a death wish? Have you no
respect for your stomach? Go look at that ocean. Does that look clean to you?
Fifteen years ago this would have been my response to an invitation to a Sushi
joint.
A lot has changed.
Not only do I like raw smoked salmon on top of a sticky rice roll wrapped by a
strip of seaweed, dipped in soy sauce with a nip of nostril clearing, tear inducing
wasabi, but so does the rest of my family.
And I haven't gotten sick from it…yet.
Okay, there was that time after partaking in a Manhattan sushi eatery, when it
took 24 hours and every calming thought I had to keep that rascally sea urchin
roll down.
Other than that, the thought of savoring raw fish has induced hardly any nausea.
Once I couldn't say the word "eel" without feeling squeamish. Now I salivate
over the possibility of eating the fresh water variety of that snaky slimy fish in its
tantalizing "roll" form with its peculiarly enticing brown sauce.
And those little green steaming soy beans you suck out from pods. With a cup of
sake, martini, or green tea for the no karaoke, no fun crowd, they're to die for.
Want Atmosphere? Get one of those little curtained rooms with the foot high
table and the floor cut out for your feet.
Or walk straight up to the bar, where you can kibbitz the chefs and keep a
watchful eye on them while they cut your fresh octopi and raw squid.
It's like Tokyo Cheers! They greet you like a long lost relative.
It's not that everyone knows your name. You couldn't understand them if they
spoke it. It's the bowing and kindness in their utterances. Of course they could
be cursing up a storm while maintaining that schtooping posture and smiling
face, but I don't think so.
So go ahead and try it. What do you have to lose besides your health and life?
If steak isn't on the menu, you have a legitimate beef
As a service to those that are considering the big leap to raw fish, below are a
few pointers to make your experience safe and enjoyable.
• Never buy sushi on EBay.
• Never eat sushi made by a chef who practices Sheryl Crowe's "one square of
toilet paper per bathroom visit" solution to saving trees.
• If there are no Orientals in a busy sushi restaurant, run, don't walk to the
nearest exit. If you happen to set off an alarm, so be it. Maybe you'll wake up a
few others before it's too late.
• Never eat sushi with a Russian, especially one with a glow about him.
And, while one shouldn't judge a book by it's' cover, these sushi restaurant
names should put up some red flags.
• The Itchy Crab.
• Lice Landic Cod Rolls.
• Harry's Antique Shop and Sushi Bar.
• The Chum House.
• Mudfish Madness.
After all that, if you're still game for uncooked fish, here's a sure way to
ingratiate yourself to sushi restaurant chefs and owners:
Act like you're a stupid tourist, which, if you're like me, will be a cinch. Then
politely ask the sushi restaurant personnel to explain how they make a spider
roll. After letting them go a few sentences, stop them and tell them they don't
know what they're talking about. Then explain that YOU know how.
Taking note of their stunned looks, say this, "I'll tell you how to make a spider
roll. Cut of its' legs and blow."
I guarantee they'll laugh.
If not, go eat a steak….
…cooked.
Dave Weinbaum is a regular contributor of one-liners and commentaries to many
regional and national publications and Web sites, including the Reader's Digest,
National Enquirer, Forbes, and is a regular pundit for the prestigious www.
jewishworldreview.com . Readers can reach Dave at dwquote@prodigy.net.